In completing the signing of Eden ‘I’m kind of a big deal’ Hazard, Chelsea have definitely signed the new Lionel Messi. That is a definitive statement that cannot be contested. It says so on right here in this Daily Telegraph article: ‘Eden Hazard has been hailed as the next Lionel Messi’. There.
But, wait, Chelsea signed Marko Marin too, AKA the German Messi. Damn! They got two Messis? They’re going to be unstoppable. That’s what you think, Roman, but you’re getting sloppy, because Franz Beckenbauer says Mario Götze is Germany’s Messi, and you didn’t get him. Ha! Sorry Chelsea fans, but you don’t argue with Der Kaiser (if Abramovich is reading this, you know someone’s getting fed to the sharks right about now).
That’s ok, there’s room in football for more than one Messi-esque player, but let’s not get lazy and dub everyone who ever managed to dribble it round someone ‘the new Messi’, because that would soon get annoying, right?
It would certainly explain why previously unknown Barcelona reserve, Gai Assulin, was being dubbed the new Messi before Manchester City won his signature. It’s not clear exactly who dubbed him the new Messi, but whoever said it must have been convinced he was pretty good, eh? Assulin has just been released from his contract following a loan spell at Brighton.
But wait, Manchester United are keeping tabs on Mateo Kovacic, a teenage wonder kid from Croatia, apparently he’s the new Messi. And what about Juan Iturbe at Porto – not only is he an attacking midfielder, he’s actually from Argentina! Call off the search, we found him, we found the new Messi.
Get PSG on the phone, immediately! The Qatari backed Parisians aren’t messing about (if you’ll pardon the pun) in their hunt for a stellar quality – revealing in March “we want Higuain, Suarez, and a new Messi”. Too late! Real Madrid already got him. Admittedly, he’s only seven, but he’s called Leo. It’s over. Phew, I’m glad to be honest. It was getting a bit stressful trying to keep up with all these Messis popping up all over the place like new messiahs (ooh, another one). Every week the second coming is predicted, and the first coming isn’t even finished yet – he’s only 24 years old.
In any case, this is all a bit futile. Haven’t we learned anything from the past? Before Messi, every talented Argentine was dubbed ‘the new Maradona’. We all know there’s only one Maradona, just like there’s only Leo Messi. One Leo Messi, there’s only one Leo – stop right there, there’s two, actually. We forgot to include Lionel Messi Nyamsi from Cameroon. I give up.